Another Vanishing City [QNR026]

by J. Ka Ching

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about

QNR026

Released by Quantum Natives

"I feel like the album is kinda hard to wrap your head around and sounds a bit like a whole bunch of genres smashed together with no coherence, so I'd like to explain a bit about where it came from. Being Chinese but not knowing my language and growing up around mostly white kids in Western Canada, I've always felt in-between worlds. I felt inadequate to the people around me and that made me feel like I needed to try and assimilate, to become one of them or even surpass them in order to be accepted.

As a result, I started to deny my culture. I wouldn't eat my lunch at school because it wasn't North American food, I rarely had friends over because I was afraid my house would smell weird to them, I changed the pronunciation of my name to make it easier for people, I actively avoided hanging out with other Asian people because I wanted to fit in so badly and be seen as normal. The problem is that from my perspective I had to maintain this perfect ideal to fit in, my twisted version of the model minority myth. This was further reinforced by several friendships growing up where when things would go through a rough patch, my friend would stop asking me to hang out or actively avoid me, instead of talking about their issues or working through it with me. It was entirely my fault for believing so but I didn't really have many other minorities around me so I internalized these situations as me not living up to the standards of white people, that if I wasn't their perfect (and thus my perfect) ideal I would be abandoned.

This mindset fucked me up and has endured to this day, its been a full decade of feeling this shit everyday. Its caused me lots of issues, including substance abuse, addiction, problems with connecting with people in general and self-hatred. Over the past couple of years, the creation of this music helped me deal with these feelings. It's me trying to assemble the different pieces of my identity and make some sense out of it all. There's the Chinese aspect with Guzheng, the wanting to belong aspect with pop, and the immersion into Western culture through the baroque and country music influence. The music is fractured because I am fractured.

These internalized feelings of inadequacy continue to endure but its been better as the process of healing from addiction and self-hatred continues. I still don't feel like I fit anywhere and neither does this music, but its a part of the healing process and I am so thankful that I can share it with you all."

credits

released August 5, 2019

Music by J. Ka Ching
Samples - Shrek Antifa (Track 2)
Guzheng - Xing Ru Zhong (Tracks 6, 9)
Guitar Solo - Inland Island (Track 7)

Mastering by Jesse Osborne-Lanthier at H Studios

Cover by J. and Awe IX

Skid Swan Song video by Aya Avalon: www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUWrp1Xdw64

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all rights reserved

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about

J. Ka Ching Montreal, Québec

A landscape on a canvas, a brush painting depicting a sonic summit overgrown with concrete synths and silken garden melodies, dusted in a frosted mid-day flurry of fear.

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Track Name: See No Faces
Breathe in
Those men will decide
If you’re a chink
If your skin tone is cast in white
Then the condition, you hate every vein in your eyes
Paint the walls, they’re stained
Scrub your nails, no pink
Maybe you won’t gag every time
But I can’t see where my blood
Takes its place beneath my skin
All I know is I don’t want them breaking in
Track Name: Yearning 4 the Ideal
This kiss
Born in a bliss
Coordinating all our facets

What is
This mist
Will it control how we taste?

Cause we know that the floor will break free
But we know that it's going to waste
Baby, I can not be waiting
For you to pass your tongue and say

Flip down
Breaking those hearts
Keep it real vague cause you know you’re fading
Always mark it in place
Keep it in line with the standard version
What we tell them all
What we tell ourselves

What if we break my body?
Will that just prove we’re naughty?
Maybe I can keep it in caves
Have it blow back in a decap'd spray
It just continues to gush
We’re gonna cross eyes cause you won’t hush
Maybe this will fade real quick
Maybe I’m just trying to get used to it

Do you remember when I said there’s a feeling?
Do you remember all the glistening dew?
Do you remember floating over the ocean?
Just revelling our youth to flying flumes

Maybe I’ll just meet you up there
Brighten where the camera captures
Maybe if we took it slow
We wouldn’t choke
We wouldn’t break it off
Tangents through the neural pathways
Slipping in, adhering a trace
Will I ever hear them say
O baby, please come home another day?

Do you wanna get out there?
Do you wanna be free?
This time it's a flower
We'll last, they'll see
I feel like every second chance
Time swells, the bearer of the dance
You want your heart to heal
But you can’t stand that you’re a face that you can't see

Dancing on a lava lake
Maybe I don’t wanna stay
Starting with the ones you cuff
Holding it together, though you know you’re faking
Reaching for a blistered glove
Go figure, cause I know you love
Baby, will it compensate
Maybe it’ll stop cause I know it’s breathing

O please stop breaking their hearts
Stop all the smiles that contort
I’m on my knees when I stand
My ears can’t follow the chant
But I still want to behave
We’re gonna make it okay
This body wants to believe
It’ll rot if it goes back to sleep
Track Name: 客家 Guest Families
In the back room
We sat patiently
Watching tired
Tied to this belief

Instigating, never pulling through
For you
The love of God
To call
To call
To call me

If we said
If we failed to say
If we hurt
You at all

When the field is covered, red as wine
Set in motion our hearts twisting, intertwined

For you
Track Name: Skid Swan Song
Is this the way
That the power remains
To sweeten orifices
Invaded by your
Flinching foes atop the grass
And I wonder where
Cause sleep’s a friend
To the bodies built in the sand
And it feels like the flesh
Will be coloured and soft
When I want to dream
I speak to the trees and flowers
Blooming with the twisted vines
Track Name: I'm Trying to Remember the Hue of the Sunlight
Is it the time
To stop confounding?
You’re clutching tight your knees
Why do you swell the silence?
But maybe touch
Will break the sutures
It’s always smooth veneers
But never in the future
But, if because
Your words dissolve in
The fermented air of bodies soaked in violence
Intentions chew
Your tongue into a burden
But it won’t ever get this incandescent again
You better give it a chance
Or maybe you will never come back
Remember the hue of the sunlight on the skin of the past

Wait for me
Wait for this
Keep it on the grind cause you’re not smelling bliss
Got you chained
To the taste
Maybe we’re a little like a chilli paste
When we brush
Our blistered eyes
Baby, I’m a eunuch cause I’m going to cry
I’m not your lover
I’m not your friend
I am something that you’ll never ever have

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